Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
