I accidentally had phone sex last night
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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