His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
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FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Who died my cat blue again?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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