Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
