I puked a lego.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
