What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
