So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
