If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
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i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
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This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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