I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
This house was built for laser tag.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
