Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
