i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
