We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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