I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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