saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
