like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You pole danced in your parka.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
