I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
