I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
