My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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