It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
