you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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