who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
