i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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