I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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