There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
