smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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