pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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