I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Pants are for mortals
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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