I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
