Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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