Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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