a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
