Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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