What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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