look no pants
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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