he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
