mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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