3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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