Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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