Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
