Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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