I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I didn't notice because vodka
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
