Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
