i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
