I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
