I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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