someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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