Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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