see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
