WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
