dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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