Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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