awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
