You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
