You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
