I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
