threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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