I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
