just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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