Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
