Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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