I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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