I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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